Quarter Life Crisis, my story.

Today's story is going to be a different one. As one wise man said, change is inevitable and it is a rule of life. Let's spice things up by talking about me. Yes, me. The person hiding behind the screen, the author of this blog. 

By the time I post up this entry, I've just graduated with a degree in Chemistry and I am lost and confused with the infinite choices presented before me. I am sure the majority of us, alike me, have ever felt lost at least once in a lifetime. Some of us may experience it twice,thrice,etc. The young adults are more likely to suffer a syndrome known as "quarter life crisis" and I believe I am going through it now.

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I've always loved Science subject no matter what level of education I was in. When I was in primary school, I was most excited when we learnt about planets,stars and galaxies. Although we didn't do any hands on, I still love learning facts about the states of matter and everything in between. During this period, every adults around me glorify the "high pay" job like doctors and engineers. Anything associated with it is favorable and praised by the elderly. Even my own parents encouraged me to become a doctor. So I tell myself, I want to be a doctor. I studied hard and luckily, I've earned a place in one of the most "prestigious" school in my country; a Science-based boarding school or known as Sekolah Berasrama Penuh (SBP).

Long story short, I've discovered that I don't want to be a doctor when I was 15~16 years old. I just knew it. I want to be something else but I didn't know what it is yet. I proceed with my foundation study (the local version of A-level/O-level). It was in this time that I've decided to pursue my higher education in Chemistry. I am not entirely crazy over it but it was the most appealing field compared to Biology,Physics and Mathematics.

Unfortunately, after spending 4 years of undergraduate studies, I still have not figured out what exactly I want to be.

Again, my parents pushed me to pursue Masters degree and I reluctantly agreed. My logic told me to continue my study while I'm still "lost" in hope that, I'll find my purpose during or by the end of it. At least, I am doing something rather than wasting time doing nothing. So here I am, doing OK but living a flat, unfulfilling life.

The problem is, I don't even know what I want. When I ask myself the typical find-your-purpose-questions, I can't answer it. The best I can do is writing down cliche answers like having flexible time, a job that travels, financial stability,doing business,etc. 

I feel lost amidst the countless opportunities presented upon me. I know it's a first world problem but I am terrified of the uncertainty that awaits me. I am so scared of failing, of disappointing people around me, of getting hurt somewhere along the journey. I've become  accustomed to the "normal" that my conscious and subconscious mind  refused to step out to the unknown.

I feel weak, unworthy and a loser.

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Worse, people around me doesn't seem to show the symptoms of having this crisis. It's as if I am the only one experiencing it. Whenever I ask for advice, I've always gotten vague and unsatisfying answers.

"Oh you'll figure it out"

"So if you don't want to study, what do you want to do?"

"Don't worry,just follow the flow"

Not a single deep, thought provoking advice.


I don't know who else to turn to for piece of advice. I don't even know whether people will actually take time to read my lengthy post. But just by writing it, pouring my deepest conflict for the whole world to read is liberating. I feel slightly better now and I hope someone will find this helpful, that you are not alone in this imaginary battle created by our primal instinct to achieve success.